Friday, July 02, 2004

Courtesy of Maggie Griffin, one of the mystery world's coolest (and busiest) people, webmaven for Lee Child, Larry Block, Steve Hamilton, et al, partner of Partners & Crime mystery bookstore in NYC... She knows from whence she speaks!


Only two maxims need to be remembered:

A) Never invite people to your room.
B) Free is good.

1: Find out when happy hour begins and suggest meeting people at the bar (see #A). That's where you'll find them anyway, right next to their publicist who sports a corporate credit card (see #B).

2: By 3:00 am you'll be too drunk to contemplate hanging up your clothes (see #A) so bring wrinkle-free shirts and an extra, empty duffle bag (see #B).

3: Grab as many free books as you can (see #B), stash them in your room (see #A). Go back for extras before they run out; that second duffle bag holds more than you think. Tell everyone proffering pamphlets that you already have one; you're only wasting their (and your) time engaging in a long conversation (see #A again).

4: Locate the hotel restaurant and avoid it like the plague. Search out any publicist who hasn't yet maxed out their credit card and stick like glue (see #B).

5: Never admit to ordering porn on your hotel TV (see #A) in case mysterious charges appear on your bill at check-out (see #B).

6: Repeat until you can say with the utmost sincerity: "I had a great time at your panel but you couldn't see me because I was sitting behind that awful woman with big hair." It may not be true, but flattery is free (see #B).

7: Even if it's free (see #B), never agree to meet for breakfast unless you're a devout Mormon (see #A). Bring lots of aspirin and Alka-Selzer or better yet, borrow (see #B again). If you get the chance, recommend to every publicist that they provide promotional aspirin and Alka-Selzer (one never runs out of applications for #B).

And last but not least:

8: Don't go home without having introduced yourself to at least one author you've always wanted to meet but were afraid to approach. They're there to meet their fans (see #A). And, who knows? Maybe they'll be available for lunch? (see #B)