Sunday, October 31, 2004

Happy Halloween from Dean Koontz' Dog!

Got this in email today, via Dean Koontz' website, and it cracked me up.

I, Trixie Koontz, who is dog, wish Halloween 2004 will be your best ever. Here are my ten wishes for you:

1) May you have celebrity dinner date with Big Foot, and I mean real Big Foot, not hairy lummox you used to date.

2) May you eat so much free candy, you hurl and hurl like whale blowing ambergris.

3) When goblin eats your nose, may National Nose Graft Foundation give you perfect donated nose of dead movie star.

4) If you contract case of flesh-eating virus, may virus eat only those parts of your body you think unattractive, not eat parts you think pretty.

5) When evil entity pulls you through vortex into parallel dimension, may you discover fantastic shopping mall with, like, the biggest Gap ever.

6) When extraterrestrials abduct you to mother ship and give usual proctological exam, may they not find anything requiring referral to specialist.

7) If rotting cannibalistic zombies take over world, may you smell unappetizing to them.

8) If doorbell rings on Halloween and you answer, find burning bag, stomp out flames, then find little blue bag full of poop all over shoe -- may you not blame me. Am good dog, good. Must be some other dog, some bad dog, devil dog. Not me. Am good dog, good. Was not me. No way, Jose. No chance, Lance. Might’ve been cat.

9) If you hear jack-o’-lantern whispering “Kill everyone, kill everyone,” take it to driveway, run over with car. Go to market, buy less psychotic species of squash, carve spooky face. Just to be safe, make sure new squash knows what you did to pumpkin.

10) May you have lots of sausage.

By the way, Koontz new book, Life Expectancy, is due out at the beginning of December and it's amazing! It's one of those rare books I actually couldn't put down.